Setting Boundaries: Saying No to Reduce Stress

When I was a solicitor, I dealt with a number of neighbour disputes, most commonly over boundaries and they were often tricky and expensive to resolve. Luckily, they were never as bizarre as one that I saw in the news a couple of years ago where a tree was cut in half in a row over driveway pigeon poo (you can have a read here if you are as intrigued as I was!).

Setting personal boundaries can be equally difficult, especially as for many of us saying “No” doesn’t come easily.  However, boundaries are an essential part of self-care as they help to protect our time, energy and emotional wellbeing and can lead to healthier relationships and more sustainable ways of working.

Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid. Healthy boundaries often fall somewhere in between; flexible enough to respond to different situations, but firm enough to protect what matters.

There are lots of reasons people struggle with boundaries, including:

·          Wanting to be seen as helpful or a team player

·          Worrying about disappointing others

·          Fear of conflict or being seen as difficult

·          Feelings of guilt, especially if others are under pressure too

But setting boundaries doesn’t make you unkind, difficult or unhelpful. No one can do it all and constantly saying yes can chip away at your mental and emotional wellbeing.

Some signs that your boundaries might need a little attention include feeling stressed, upset, angry, resentful or guilty, particularly in response to other people’s requests or expectations.

There’s no “one size fits all” in how to set boundaries, but a good first step is to remind yourself that it’s OK to have them. In fact, it’s a sign of self-respect.

Take a moment to assess your existing boundaries. Think about the limits you already have in place - are they working for you? Are there areas where you often feel stretched, drained or uncomfortable? Is there a small boundary you could set or reinforce that might make a meaningful difference?

The next step is working out how to communicate your boundaries to others, particularly in relationships.  This is often where people get stuck because saying no can feel awkward or uncomfortable.  However, it doesn’t have to be blunt, as it can sound like,

 “I don’t have capacity for that at the moment – can I get back to you when I have more time?”

“I’m busy this weekend so can we arrange another time to meet up”

“I’d love to help but that’s not something that I can take on right now”

It can feel difficult at first but the more you practise, the more natural it becomes. And over time, you’ll start to notice where your limits are and what it feels like to protect them.

Because sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say for your wellbeing is …… “no.”