February is often associated with love - grand romantic gestures, flowers, chocolates, and secret admirers. While Valentine’s Day traditionally celebrates relationships with others, it’s also an opportunity to reflect on the relationship we have with ourselves. And that’s where self-compassion comes in.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is more than just self-care. Whereas self-care focuses on actions - having a relaxing bath, going for a walk, or treating yourself to something special - self-compassion is more of a mindset in that it is about relating to yourself with kindness and understanding.
Why is Self-Compassion Important?
Research suggests that self-compassion plays an important part in mental and emotional wellbeing. Studies show that individuals who practice self-compassion experience lower levels of anxiety and depression, greater emotional resilience, and an improved ability to cope with setbacks (Neff, 2012). Strong self-compassion has been linked to lower levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) and an increased ability to self-soothe (Rockliff et al, 2008).
Compassion Focused Therapy
One approach that specifically incorporates self-compassion is Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), developed by psychologist Paul Gilbert.
He identified three emotion regulation systems which have evolved over time and that by understanding how they work it can be easier to become more compassionate.
The three systems are:
· The Threat and Self-Protection System: This system is responsible for detecting danger and triggering responses e.g. fight/flight/freeze. It’s essential for survival but can become overactive, leading to heightened stress and anxiety.
· The Drive System: This system motivates us to pursue goals, rewards, and achievements. It is associated with feelings of excitement and enjoyment but can sometimes lead to burnout if not balanced properly.
· The Soothing System: This system promotes feelings of safety, contentment, and well-being. It is linked to affection and kindness and helps to calm the other two systems.
When we engage in self-criticism, we activate the threat system, which keeps us in a state of stress. Practicing self-compassion, on the other hand, helps us shift towards the soothing system, allowing us to regulate our emotions more effectively.
Challenging Misconceptions About Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is sometimes misunderstood in that it can be seen as being self-indulgent, making excuses or wallowing. However, although being compassionate does involve staying with emotions it’s also about looking at ways of easing distress as well as acknowledging strength and resilience.
It encourages responsibility by allowing us to acknowledge mistakes or when things go wrong but in a way that is not self-critical but more about thinking about what changes can be made or how we would do things differently.
Self-compassion involves courage because although sometimes it might be about recognising that we need a holiday – it’s also about doing things that might feel difficult e.g. standing up to a colleague.
Practicing Self-Compassion
So how do you practice self-compassion? Here are some simple ways to start:
Notice Your Language: Replace negative self-talk with a more positive alternative, for example, instead of “I failed” use “I’m proud of myself for trying.” Avoid “should” and “must” statements and use questions such as “What went well today?” and “What can I improve on?”. Talk to yourself in the same way that you would speak to a friend.
Focus on Your Body: Notice your posture and facial expressions. A relaxed stance and gentle expressions can reinforce a compassionate mindset.
Regulate your breathing: Slow, deep breaths can activate the soothing system, calming your body and mind.
Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness can help us become more aware of our thoughts and emotions without judgment. By bringing our attention to the present moment, we can notice self-critical thoughts and gently shift towards a more compassionate response. Mindful breathing, body scans, or pausing to check in with our emotions can all help to develop self-compassion.
A Valentine’s Gift to Yourself
So this February remember to include yourself when celebrating Valentine’s Day. Self-compassion isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity. This month of love is the perfect time to start speaking to yourself with kindness, letting go of self-criticism, and embracing the understanding that you are worthy - just as you are.
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