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Writer's pictureSusan Carr

12 Things that I've learned from 12 years of being a Counsellor.

This month it is 12 years since I qualified as a counsellor and during that time I’ve found that I learn just as much from the work as my clients do. Although no two sessions are the same, there are often common themes and insights that come up on a regular basis.


Here are some of the things that I’ve learned along the way:


1.      Thoughts are Not Facts


We all have thoughts that pop up throughout the day (in fact, it’s estimated that we have between 12,000 – 60,000 thoughts a day) but not all of them are helpful or accurate. Often our thoughts are simply our subjective interpretation of situations and events e.g. “I won’t get the job”, “Nobody likes me”, “I’m going to fail my exams”. Some clues that our thoughts may not be facts are using words such as “always”, “never”, “everybody”, “nobody” etc.


Our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are all connected so negative thinking can affect how we feel which in turn influences our actions.  But by learning to question whether our thoughts are based on facts, we can break that cycle. Some questions that we can use are  “Is this thought really true? What evidence do I have to support it?” By doing so, we can reframe our thoughts which may help us to see things from a different perspective.

 

2.      The Importance of Boundaries


As a former solicitor I dealt with a fair few boundary disputes which were tricky and expensive to resolve.


Setting personal boundaries can be equally difficult but is an important part of self-care.

Boundaries aren’t just about saying “no” to others; they’re about protecting the time and space we need to unwind, recharge, and take care of ourselves.


Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere in between.   It can feel difficult at first if you’re not used to setting boundaries however it can lead to better relationships both at home and work.      Boundaries may be different with different people e.g. parents, children, partner, friends, work colleagues and so there is not one size that fits all.

 

3.      We Are All Work in Progress


While therapy may help us resolve or manage specific issues, like overcoming anxiety or working through a difficult situation, it’s not about “being fixed”.


Firstly, because you may not be broken in the first place but secondly, because personal development is an ongoing process so we are all works in progress! We are shaped by our experiences, so I am not the same today as I was yesterday nor will I be the same tomorrow.  


Therapy is about understanding yourself better and learning to accept who you are because as noted by Carl Rogers “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

 

4.            Therapy is Like Peeling an Onion


Counselling often involves peeling back layers of emotions which, much like chopping onions, can sometimes bring up tears. However, it's important to remember that we don’t need to address all the layers at once - you might work on one layer for now and return to others later, as and when the time feels right.


Similarly, the process isn’t always linear so you can move back and forth between layers and as often they are connected you may find that by working through one layer, it leads to understanding other parts of your life.

 

5. New experiences can lead to new insights


Sometimes in therapy, clients may question whether they have made progress if they revisit an issue that they felt that they had already dealt with. However, both can be true – you can have worked through an issue fully but then a new experience can give a different insight. For example, becoming a parent can cast a new light on our own childhood, helping us see things we hadn’t noticed or considered before.


A supervisor once shared the parable of the blind men and the elephant to illustrate this: each man touches a different part of the elephant — the trunk, the tusk, the leg — and they will be correct that what they have felt is an elephant. However, they will only have full understanding once they have touched all parts of the elephant.

 

 

6.            Habits Over Willpower


When it comes to making changes, we often put too much emphasis on willpower, but evidence suggests that the real key to success lies in the practical steps we take. For example, if you're trying to exercise more, getting out your workout kit the night before makes it a lot easier to get started in the morning.


Conversely, if it’s a bad habit that you’re trying to break then it’s about making it harder to do, for example, putting your phone in another room if you want to stop doomscrolling or not buying chocolate if you want to cut down on sugar.


7.            You can’t pour from an empty cup.


One of the most common topics I talk to clients about is practising self care as “you can’t pour from an empty cup”.   


We may feel guilty about taking time for ourselves, especially in a world that celebrates constant productivity, however if we don’t make the time to rest, recharge, and look after ourselves, then we risk burning out.


Self-care isn’t about being selfish; it’s about understanding that in order to give our best, we first need to take care of our own needs. It can be as simple as getting enough sleep, saying "no" or making space for activities that we enjoy.


8.            Comparison is the thief of joy


We’ve all done it (I know that I’m guilty of it) - compared ourselves to someone else and immediately felt like we’re falling short. In fact, it's so common that in CBT that it has its own heading under the list of unhelpful thinking styles: Compare and Despair. It might be scrolling through social media and thinking everyone else has it all together, or comparing your progress to a friend’s and wondering why you’re “behind

However, comparison rarely gives us the full picture. It’s easy to forget that everyone’s journey is different - we all start from different places, face different struggles, and have access to different resources. It’s therefore unfair to compare ourselves because no two experiences are the same.

 

 9. Therapy isn’t one-size-fits-all.


There are many types of therapy (the BACP lists 34 modalities); from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to person-centred counselling as well as newer modalities like EMDR or somatic therapies. Each approach has something different to offer, and the ‘right fit’ depends on your individual needs and preferences.


Therapy can be short-term, medium-term, or long-term, with sessions offered at varying frequencies. While weekly sessions are often the starting point, it’s also possible to adjust the frequency to suit your needs — whether that’s fortnightly or monthly, depending on the nature of the issue and your progress.


10. Trust the Process


Therapy doesn’t always have a clear roadmap, and that’s part of its power. Sometimes a client may have a clear idea of what they want to work on but then find themselves talking about something completely different. Other times at the start of the session a client may say that they’re not sure what they want to talk about but find that at the end they have explored exactly what they needed to.


Therapy creates a space where we can express whatever needs to come up in the moment and the conversation can lead in unexpected directions. It’s about trusting the process and allowing the space for what needs to be explored to emerge in its own time.


 11. No Problem is Too Big or Too Small


There can be a misconception that some problems aren’t “serious enough” for therapy or the opposite there can be a fear that some issues are “too much”. However, the reality is that counselling isn’t about how big or small your challenges are; it’s about having a space to process whatever you’re going through.



  1. Counselling is Collaborative


Counselling is not something done to you but is a collaborative process between you and the therapist. As a counsellor I have the knowledge and experience from my training and development however each client is an expert on themselves and what will work for them.


Similarly, what happens in the session is just one part of the process. The work also happens in between the sessions when clients reflect on what they have learned and try out new techniques and strategies.

 

To sum it up, therapy isn't about having everything figured out or being perfect — it's about understanding yourself better, accepting where you are, and taking things one step at a time.

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